A Love Story

Established July 19, 2003

Love is patient, love is kind, it isn’t jealous, it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant, it isn’t rude, it doesn’t seek its own advantage, it isn’t irritable, it doesn’t keep a record of complaints, it isn’t happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth. Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

As a pastor I'm always torn when wedding season comes upon us as to how I should handle this well-worn passage of scripture. On one hand it is the go-to text for readings at most Christian (and even some secular) wedding ceremonies, it is poetic and beautiful and very on-the-nose advice for a young couple starting their lives together, but it is also really about something else entirely than romantic love.

How did this beautiful young woman
ever end up with someone like...

It sits in the middle of a longer section on being a part of the body of Christ and learning how to value those with spiritual giftings other than our own (or conversely our own giftings when we would rather be like someone else). The general thrust of the passage is that Christian love (which is of course a reflection of the love of Christ) is of a higher order of gifting than any of the more flashy, practical or highly visible gifts bestowed by the Holy Spirit. It resides in an upper echelon of Spiritual blessings along with faith and hope, but even among that triumvirate of "greater gifts" it stands apart. Even gifts that we often place on a pedestal like Tongues, Knowledge, Prophecy or Martyrdom are nothing if not accompanied in equal measure by Christian love.

...This!

That being said - it does speak to the heart of what married love should resemble in addition to it's core message. And for that reason when I was pursuing Joanna romantically back in Bible College I took the bold - if not somewhat nerdy - step of taking the entirety of chapter 13 and making sweeping promises to her about how I would work to fulfill all of these things in my relationship with her (if she would only give me a chance).

So I promised her that I would be patient with her. Specifically that I would wait for her to come around to the idea that we were meant to be together. The night before I wrote her this letter we had sat down for the dreaded DTR (define the relationship) chat where I stuck my neck out and told her that I was in love with her only to have her break my heart by telling me that she just didn't have the same feelings about me. So I told her that I would be patient and wait for her to change her mind.

Fittingly, I proposed to her after taking
her to see the opera "The Marriage
of Figaro". Surprisingly, she said "yes!"

I also promised her that I would be a kind man and that she could trust me with her heart because I would always be gentle with it and treat her how she deserved to be treated and that I wouldn't be jealous of the other people in her life that she loved and cared for. Particularly when it came to spending time with others instead of me.

The greatest con ever pulled
off, getting her to say "I do"

I promised something along the lines of (I'm writing this from memory at this point as Jo is in possession of the only original copy of this letter and asking her for it would ruin the surprise) my desire to be a humble man who would not look down upon her in arrogance or condescension but who instead would always seek to build her up for who she was made to be by a God who is much greater than I. And that I would be a selfless man who always sought her happiness before my own and put her dreams as my first priority.

I vowed to her that I wouldn't be bitter, vengeful or unforgiving if she would

Twice!

(We repeated the

ceremony in Canada

three weeks later)

give me a shot. That I would choose to forgive in advance anything she could possibly do to hurt me and that there was nothing she could ever do that would jeopardize my feelings for her.

And then I told her that if she honestly prayed about it and searched her heart and couldn't come to the place where she would love me the way that I loved her that I would survive. That I would endure and trust in God and his plan, and that as awkward as it might be going forward that I still wanted to remain her friend (like that would have ever worked).

And to my great surprise, my flawed exegesis and cheesy attempt at being romantic won her heart and by the end of that weekend I (with a little help from Jesus) had managed to change her mind and the greatest love story ever told began.

If only that were true.

Because it's not.

Celebrating our first Christmas in our cozy little 32nd floor apartment in downtown Calgary

The truth of the matter is that over the last 11 1/2 years I have been anything but the type of man I promised to be in that letter. I have been painfully impatient with Joanna; too many times I've ruined her make-up with tears over my unwillingness to slow down and explain to her what I mean. I too frequently expect her to read my mind and come to the exact same conclusion - and when she doesn't (or she can't because I haven't given her enough data to formulate an opinion) I can become decidedly unkind.

Our first house, and our first
"kid" the much loved and
missed Fauna

Over the years I have been jealous. I have been jealous when she wanted time to herself, or in the early years when her ministry commitments kept her out of the house more than I liked. I have been jealous when her job as a private music teacher has left me to fend for myself with the kids far more than I would have liked to (and yet still only a fraction of the time I leave her to fend for herself while I pursue my career).

I have been incredibly selfish over the years. With my time, our money, my energy and my career. I have expected too many times that she, like a good little wife would suck it up and soldier on while I chased after one exciting opportunity after another. And along the way I have been bitter, irritable, short tempered and far too prone to holding grudges against the person I promised in writing to never bear unforgiveness toward.

I've been guilty of being unjust, untrusting, dishonest, and all sorts of other things unbecoming of a man who has been blessed with such an amazing woman of God for his wife. And yet all along the way she has stood beside me whether I deserved it or not.

More even than that, in an ironic reversal of fortune, she has been the one who has taught me the true meaning of this type of love that I so boldly and naively promised I would lavish on her.

In 2006 our family grew by one and
in 2007 Jack was dedicated on the
same Sunday I was ordained

She has been patient with me when I have been through busy seasons of ministry that have kept me away from home on far too many nights while she parented largely alone for seasons. She has been kind to me when I when I have been tired, irritable and have reserved no energy for graciousness with she and the kids after a long day of being kind, compassionate and caring with other people.

She has been gracious with me when I've been too quick to take a call from the church and too slow to take a call from home; when I've sacrificed my family time for ministry time and has not let her jealousy become a stumbling block when I have far too often put her in second (or lower place) in my priorities. And when we came to a junction in life where I had an opportunity to follow God into a new calling and opportunity to be the Lead Pastor in Estevan, she selflessly gave up a career and calling that she deeply loved to enable me to follow mine.

Over these years that we have travelled the road of life together I have always been able to count on the fact that Joanna would forgive me when I was an idiot, or an ogre, or selfish. I have never had to worry that I have screwed things up so badly that she wouldn't take me back. She has given me the blessing of being secure in her love and as a man who has struggled with insecurity throughout life there is no greater gift than the unconditional love of my wife.

In 2008 our family grew again
with the arrival of our second son
Harry who was an instant
celebrity

And she's done all of that even after enduring more than any newlywed should have to endure in the first season of our life together. When I woke her in the middle of the night three months into our marriage and asked her to drive me to the hospital because I was suffering chest pains and ended up saddling her with an invalid husband recovering from having two stents placed in his heart at the age of 23. A lesser woman would have cut and run, but my wife bore with me in a city where we had very little support structure, where we had no money, where (by virtue of the immigration process) she couldn't get another job to support us and I couldn't do ANYTHING to help alleviate her stress. She singlehandedly taught me about endurance, hope, perseverance and faith in that season of our life.

Finally in 2011 our family became
complete with the addition of my
little princess Penelope

And now, as we begin the second decade of our married life and simultaneously a new journey as a family and a new ministry in a new city I just want to say thank you to Joanna for taking a chance on me. Thank you for seeing the best in me when too often I give you my worst. Thank you for bearing with me when too often I've been unworthy of your unconditional love and affection. Thank you for being the woman I need, and not the one I deserve, and an amazing mother to our children.

Thanks most of all for teaching me what love really looks like and for providing a much needed correction to my understanding of just what the Bible describes by modelling it for me every single day.

Joanna, I love you. Happy 10th Anniversary and here's to many more.

I meant what I said 10 years ago and I mean it even more
today: I do.