Confessions Part II

Rumours of my greatness may have been slightly exaggerated.

If you know me, you will know that I try to live my life very openly so that you see who I am. I'm very open on mediums like Facebook, Twitter and this blog so that you know what I'm reading and what I'm learning and so that you hear my heart as your leader. The truth of the matter however, and lately I've been convicted of this in my heart, is that if you think my online persona is representative of the real me, you don't really know me at all.

This medium, as well intentioned as I may be in making use of it, does not show you the real me. As transparent and authentic as I try to be in my online activities I sabotage that authenticity, both consciously and unconsciously so that you see the type of man and pastor that I want you to think I am. Not that I intentionally mislead, or misrepresent myself by what I post, but I'm coming to the realization that I censor myself, and filter my activity so that you only see the best of me and that no one sees the rest of me.

For example, I don't post many blogs about the fights I have with my wife, or the times I lose my temper with my kids. I don't write many status updates about foolish and selfish ways that I often spend money, or tweet about my struggles with resentment and anger with some people. I don't preach many sermons about my own struggles with sin or the spiritually dry seasons that I sometimes go through just like anybody else. I don't share during prayer times that I sometimes hate my job, or have conflicts at work or wonder if it's time for a change.

I filter these these things out of my online persona because consciously or unconsciously I want you to think I have it all together. Because deep down I want you to think I'm worthy of being your pastor, your leader, your shepherd. So I project outwardly the illusion that I'm past all of that stuff. That I have the perfect marriage, that I'm an ideal father, that I'm a spiritual giant and a seasoned prayer warrior - and while there are days when those things may be true - they are just as often nothing more than wishful thinking on my part.

So what is my point in all of this? Well i guess I just wanted to come clean with you all. I wanted to get that off my chest and let you know that you and I aren't all that different. And beyond that cathartic release I want you to know that I, like you have my good days and my bad days and that I'm as much in need of God's grace and mercy as you are. I want you to know that when I preach a sermon that may be somewhat difficult to hear, or that makes you really uncomfortable or that convicts your conscience - I've had to preach it first to the man in the mirror and he has had to wrestle with the implications in his life too. I want you to know that when I point my finger at the church and accuse you of missing the point of something foundational and crucial in the Gospel, that I'm completely aware of the three fingers pointed back at me. But most of all I want you to know that as you journey together as the church through this long and winding road called Christian discipleship, I'm not just the guy who's on the radio giving directions - I'm walking with you. Not just on the mountain peaks, but through the valleys and deserts as well.

My name is Christopher Smith, and if you are a member of the EAC family - I am your pastor, but more than that I'm your brother, your fellow sojourner and hopefully, your friend. That is my confession for today.