They say that confessions are good for the soul and so
every so often when I’m feeling particularly tired, or unhappy, or dissatisfied
with life and ministry – or when I take a secret joy at something that would be
inappropriate or insensitive to share at the time I jot down what I’m feeling
and save it for some later point in time when I can be less sensational in my
transparency. What follows is merely a sample of that list – some things you
just don’t need to know about me still. ;-)
1.
I really
don’t like phoning you.
That’s not to say that I dislike talking to you – even talking on the phone – I could spend hours in conversation with many of you and be as happy as a clam, but I hate picking up the phone to make the call. It’s nothing to do with you (okay maybe occasionally it is – but not often) but it’s just that I still have a tough time dealing with rejection. I’m 32, happily married, vocationally successful and fairly confident in my roles and abilities but I still carry with me some insecurity in initiating relationships. One of the reasons I instituted Walk-in Wednesdays when I took over as the Lead Pastor was that it creates a standing invitation for you to approach me in a venue where I can warmly welcome you into relationship without the fear of rejection.
It’s not something I’m proud of – nor is it something I’m content with (I’m working at getting better) but it’s real and it feels somewhat cathartic to get it off my chest.
That’s not to say that I dislike talking to you – even talking on the phone – I could spend hours in conversation with many of you and be as happy as a clam, but I hate picking up the phone to make the call. It’s nothing to do with you (okay maybe occasionally it is – but not often) but it’s just that I still have a tough time dealing with rejection. I’m 32, happily married, vocationally successful and fairly confident in my roles and abilities but I still carry with me some insecurity in initiating relationships. One of the reasons I instituted Walk-in Wednesdays when I took over as the Lead Pastor was that it creates a standing invitation for you to approach me in a venue where I can warmly welcome you into relationship without the fear of rejection.
It’s not something I’m proud of – nor is it something I’m content with (I’m working at getting better) but it’s real and it feels somewhat cathartic to get it off my chest.
There! That wasn’t so bad – let’s see if I can
confess a couple more!
2.
Guns, Gophers
and Jellied Salads
I’ve lived in the prairies for the better part of 13 years now between my time at school and my time in ministry. I’ve become thoroughly westernized and have adopted many local customs and affections in my time here – but there are still some things that I can’t get my head around. I love my many (many) friends and congregants who grew up with a healthy respect for personal firearms and I have no moral issue with hunting for food, sport, fur or otherwise. I’ve sat through countless tales of people reminiscing of their childhood days picking off Gophers with a rifle at the farm and I understand intellectually the western anger over issues like the gun registry. But even as I have adopted this as my new homeland I can’t avoid all vestiges of where I came from. To me at some deep, sub-conscious level guns will always be tools for cops, criminals and soldiers – if I’m ever weird around you in a conversation about guns or gun control, please don’t take offence – it’s just that at some deep level I’m still a product of the GTA.
Jellied salads on the other hand...
I’ve lived in the prairies for the better part of 13 years now between my time at school and my time in ministry. I’ve become thoroughly westernized and have adopted many local customs and affections in my time here – but there are still some things that I can’t get my head around. I love my many (many) friends and congregants who grew up with a healthy respect for personal firearms and I have no moral issue with hunting for food, sport, fur or otherwise. I’ve sat through countless tales of people reminiscing of their childhood days picking off Gophers with a rifle at the farm and I understand intellectually the western anger over issues like the gun registry. But even as I have adopted this as my new homeland I can’t avoid all vestiges of where I came from. To me at some deep, sub-conscious level guns will always be tools for cops, criminals and soldiers – if I’m ever weird around you in a conversation about guns or gun control, please don’t take offence – it’s just that at some deep level I’m still a product of the GTA.
Jellied salads on the other hand...
3.
I’m
secretly jealous of my mainline colleagues
I’m an evangelical protestant by conviction and calling – but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate what other streams of Christianity have to offer. I can really get swept up in the unity brought about by a good liturgical church service; I really appreciate the care and emphasis that is placed upon the Eucharist (Lord’s Supper/Communion) in those more traditional...traditions; and deep down I secretly love the idea of “robing-up” for a worship service. I think there is something very symbolic and beautiful about the vestments of the office. I was at an ecumenical service in town a number of months back and the question was asked whether we were robing or not – and I kind of felt left out. =(
I’m an evangelical protestant by conviction and calling – but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate what other streams of Christianity have to offer. I can really get swept up in the unity brought about by a good liturgical church service; I really appreciate the care and emphasis that is placed upon the Eucharist (Lord’s Supper/Communion) in those more traditional...traditions; and deep down I secretly love the idea of “robing-up” for a worship service. I think there is something very symbolic and beautiful about the vestments of the office. I was at an ecumenical service in town a number of months back and the question was asked whether we were robing or not – and I kind of felt left out. =(
And lastly...
4.
I think I
have the most important job in the world
It’s not very humble, it’s drenched in an unhealthy sense of self-importance and it’s looking over the precipice of a dangerous messiah complex – but I really think that my job is terribly important. Pastoring Christ’s Church is a high and perilous calling – fraught with spiritual battles, emotional transference, and weighty eternal consequences. The bible tells us that we who lead in the Church will be held to an exacting standard and account – I read into that that our judgement will be commensurate with the burden of the Kingdom mandate that we carry and the degree to which we violated it.
I’m not saying that my opinion is necessarily right, or justified – and I’m certainly not saying that I’m qualified for the job that I have – in truth some days I feel like the most unqualified pastor in the world, but I am saying that I feel the burden of the office weighing heavily upon me. I think my job is important because I believe that the Church is important. I believe that the Church is Christ to the world and the agent of God’s redemptive plan in this time of history. I believe that what we do in the Church and how we live as the Church is the most important part of what we do and how we live period. I believe that more than kinship, ideology, affiliation, vocation or even family – the Church is supposed to be what defines who we are in God. The church alone is the Bride of Christ, the Body of Christ, the Temple of God, a Holy Nation, and a Royal Priesthood; and empowered by and indwelt by the Holy Spirit the Church becomes the very presence of God in this world. And while any given local church (including mine) misses the mark more often than not as an assembly of highly imperfect people being made progressively more perfect by the Spirit of the Living God; it does contain within it the nascent potential to be what it has been called to be and to function as it was designed to function by the one who ordained its existence. The local church is a precious jewel given to us by God – and it’s because I’ve been called to shepherd that treasure that I think so highly of what I do.
But then again – I might just be arrogant. But is it possible for both to be true simultaneously (my sinful pride, and the importance of the Church and my role)? Just some musings. After all, as Usher once famously said – these are my confessions.
It’s not very humble, it’s drenched in an unhealthy sense of self-importance and it’s looking over the precipice of a dangerous messiah complex – but I really think that my job is terribly important. Pastoring Christ’s Church is a high and perilous calling – fraught with spiritual battles, emotional transference, and weighty eternal consequences. The bible tells us that we who lead in the Church will be held to an exacting standard and account – I read into that that our judgement will be commensurate with the burden of the Kingdom mandate that we carry and the degree to which we violated it.
I’m not saying that my opinion is necessarily right, or justified – and I’m certainly not saying that I’m qualified for the job that I have – in truth some days I feel like the most unqualified pastor in the world, but I am saying that I feel the burden of the office weighing heavily upon me. I think my job is important because I believe that the Church is important. I believe that the Church is Christ to the world and the agent of God’s redemptive plan in this time of history. I believe that what we do in the Church and how we live as the Church is the most important part of what we do and how we live period. I believe that more than kinship, ideology, affiliation, vocation or even family – the Church is supposed to be what defines who we are in God. The church alone is the Bride of Christ, the Body of Christ, the Temple of God, a Holy Nation, and a Royal Priesthood; and empowered by and indwelt by the Holy Spirit the Church becomes the very presence of God in this world. And while any given local church (including mine) misses the mark more often than not as an assembly of highly imperfect people being made progressively more perfect by the Spirit of the Living God; it does contain within it the nascent potential to be what it has been called to be and to function as it was designed to function by the one who ordained its existence. The local church is a precious jewel given to us by God – and it’s because I’ve been called to shepherd that treasure that I think so highly of what I do.
But then again – I might just be arrogant. But is it possible for both to be true simultaneously (my sinful pride, and the importance of the Church and my role)? Just some musings. After all, as Usher once famously said – these are my confessions.
Blessings,
Chris
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